On toxicity

Yes, I'm still processing the A2 split. (Not nearly as much as K thinks I am, though.)

What makes it process-worthy is this: I'm not sure whether it was a truly toxic ending, or whether I've forgotten what "normal" toxicity is like. At the risk of sounding like a twisted Carrie Bradshaw intro, what is the LD-50 for relationships?

(Pause for cursor to blink)

K and I had a lot of practice fighting. (Most of you, if you haven't arrived post-hiatus, already know that.) But we fought well. We fought how therapists tell you you're supposed to fight. And -- yay us -- we didn't do it because we were therapized; we did it...well, because we love each other, and who wants to hurt someone you love? Even after the break-ups started, the wickedest that one of us might hurl at the other was along the lines of "there are some things I'm pretty glad I don't have to put up with any longer!" (Oooooo.)

But the case against fighting nice?
It doesn't actually do much to disincentivize fighting.

So, y'know, I get why -- what function -- nasty fights might serve. MAD simply gets you fewer flare-ups than MAI (Mutually Assured Irritation). I think what I'm still puzzling out is how it might be possible to be with someone for ten(ish) weeks and have everything be sweetness and light, and then to have the person abruptly explode, upon mildest provocation, and instantly attempt to chronicle every saved-up and, apparently, stifled hurt and bump generated from after the first ten minutes after first meeting, and onward.

The actual wounding attempts were sorta insignificant. Because A2 didn't actually know me that well, he pretty much just went for the Family Feud-style top ten likeliest targets, and all fell rather harmlessly wide of the mark. (I'm not saying I don't have buttons to be pushed; I'm just saying they're less obvious.) Likewise, the rap sheet of ostensible character flaws was, on the whole, preposterous. One good thing about dating at my age -- and there's not much, so I take it where I can -- is that you have a fairly realistic self-assessment, not only through introspection, but, more importantly, from a reasonable body of feedback data. If an enraged soon-to-be-ex tells me that I'm aloof, elitist, arrogant, suspicious, lazy (etc) -- oh, sure, I'll sputter and protest (if I can be bothered), but, deep down? I'm thinking hey: it's a fair cop. A2's charges were largely outside any established patterns, and, hence, easy to dismiss.

So, really, we're just talking mens rea here. And isn't the act of fighting itself justification for temporarily inducing a spiteful mindset? I mean, among normal couples? Should I have known that attacks issued in the heat of fission are formulaic communication, not meant to be taken at literal value, but simply to express I want you to know that I'm wounded! And do most people just automatically assume this, especially if their exposure has been to MAD, rather than MAI, argument styles? Which, after all, serve a purpose and can be construed as also valid? Or is this all a bunch of hooey?

My general SOP has been that whenever someone in any type of relationship with me exhibits more than a low incidence of toxicity, I boot 'em out. Cast 'em off. Place 'em safely outside the circle.

The thing is, I'm coming to realize how I was artificially cocooned in my relationship with K, in all sorts of ways. In itself, this isn't a bad thing -- unless it leads one to gradually and unwittingly raise the bar of intolerance for hostility and boorishness far beyond what the non-saintly can bear. And to paraphrase from Avenue Q, isn't everyone a little bit toxic?