Shadchonim needed!

Or: Let's Find Ryan a Wife!

See comments on the previous post.

To which I say: Enough, already!

Let's put our heads together, my international readership -- both of you -- and save Ryan from Andrea, from all her ilk, and, most of all, from stealth barbecues evermore!

You know all those women (other than me, I mean), who complain that men aren't actually interested in their minds? The bitter thirtysomethings (again, not me - others) who opine that the good ones are all married, gay, or both?

Well, my friends, Ryan is thirtysomething, never-married, attractive, solvent, and looking to commit. And there's nothing wrong with him.

K and I occasionally puzzle over why Ryan is still single, given that his type -- straight, funny metrosexuals who cook, pay attention to fashion, love theater, and are good listeners -- are usually tracked, tagged and distributed where they're needed as carefully as pandas in a breeding program.

All we can figure is:

- He's been mildly self-destructive in his dating choices: Lesbians. Mormons. Me.
- He's geographically challenged.
(Don't get me wrong: I love Portland. But the neurotic, quixotic, complicated and challenging types that Ryan is drawn to are less in evidence than pleasant and interchangeable gore-tex babes who tend to mispronounce "Mamet.")
- He generally underestimates women's interest in him.
(And this is, mind you, a man who's been compared physically to the actor Chris Noth. Me, I see him more as a cross between William H. Macy and Jose Maria Aznar. And I mean that in the best possible way.)

Ryan is suitable for:

- pedants
- Jews
- feminists
- any woman who has ever said "if only I could find a gay man who was actually straight"
- lawyers
- writers
- political activists (left-leaning)
- snobs (not that he is one; he's just a fan.)
- women other men find intellectually intimidating

The nominated mate's location, I should think, is not so much a handicap these days. Not only is Portland a beautiful place for a prospective eventual relocation, but, really, I imagine he might consider moving for the right combination of person and place.

Look, the man listens to female folk-rock vocalists. He voluntarily owns two cats who weren't dumped on him by previous girlfriends. He's been known to go to the symphony uncoerced, and even alone. He's on record as having uttered the words "does this make me look fat?" He subscribes to the New York Review of Books. He swears he's straight.

For chrissake, the man owns crepe pans, and he knows how to use them. He really shouldn't be single.

Please help.

Send your nominations (and their contact info) either by email or to the comments section. Please give generously.

Thank you for your support.